Is love the whole of a man’s life?
There will never ever be enough to satisfy what we grieve.
Loving this, this morning.
Today I am sitting on my bed, reading through the last 4ish years. I’m looking at silly things I scribbled; I’m reading about a Hope that saw me through what I wrote on in these pages; I’m remembering what wasn’t written down; I’m laughing at ridiculous things that weren’t worth recording (or happening) in the first place; I’m thankful for worries that dissolved; I’m joyful for what I never saw coming… and SOOOO many other things. I thought I would use this post to date and share some of the things I thought I knew and some of the things I’m glad that I learned! I’m reading through my journals today and thought it would be fun broadcast some things that stuck out!
July 10th, 2008: “Avoid securing a peaceful retreat from the world and avoid securing a spiritual retirement.”
July 13th 2008: “I think my vision of God is dependent on the condition of how I internalize my external circumstances. Is this ok?”
July 15th 2008: “Nobody every says that everything will be ok… but everyone always says that HE is God. Heartache is never ok… But God is always God.” (I remember writing this at camp? I also remember being obsessed with marriage while I wrote this. I also remember being extremely distracted by looming heartache that I tried to ignore. It all seems laughable now, knowing that through it all… it wasn’t ok! But God stayed God… and taught me about the redeeming qualities of walking away from things.) “A disciple realizes that it is the Lord’s honor that is at stake in his life, not his own honor. Never look for justice; never cease to give it.” (I think this was a quote from somewhere… not quite sure where.) “Stop thinking like youre a student. Start thinking like you’re a missionary.”
July 17th 2008: (Drew some strange picture about a ham and egg breakfast and how it relates to dating pursuits? no idea.) “My prayer is that God would show up tomorrow and settle me down.” …”Woman was taken out of man. Not out of his head to top him, nor out of his feet to be trampled under foot, but out of his side to be equal to him, under his arms to be protected, and near to his heart to be loved.” (Haha… I’m sure this was golden.)
July 29th 2008: “James 1:4…’carelessness is an insult to the Holy Spirit”
August 8th 2008: “Sentimental Christians only know how to live in their memories.”
Sept 13th 2008: “If God is true… Reality must be on our side.”
Nov 11 2008: “I choose to trust and reach because I am reaching toward the Ultimate.”
Dec 5 2008: “Scripture is how God shows himself through cultures.”
January ? 2009: “I don’t have a ____________ problem. I have a worship problem. Something worshiped other than Jesus leads to death and leaves a promise unfulfilled. I need to readjust my worship before I can be an agent for change.” (on letting addictions rule your life… I think this was part of some series?”)
January ? 2009: “_________ said today that sex and Jesus are the most popular religions.”
February ? 2009: (Listened to Daniel Heimbach speak on the ethics of war…) “There are 3 alternatives tot he “Ethics of War.” Pacifism-deadly force is ultimate expression of evil, denies that using deadly force can never be morally justified. Crusade: War is the best means for destroying evil and imposing a perfect good. Just War: seeks to avoid all unnecessary use of deadly force but realizes that a responsible government must sometimes use__________”
Feb ? 2009: “All passionate people begin with a broken heart.”
Feb ? 2009: “Man fully alive is man in Christ” -CJ Mahaney
March ? 2009: “Love is essential when we want to bring the world to life.”
March ? 2009 “If I lost my temper… its because I’m carnal?” (what?? )
May 2009: “By choosing to guard ourselves in our OWN way, we are removing ourselves from deliverance.”
June ? 2009: “The sacrificial life is a sort of “maimed” life initially… sometimes the “best” things we have are the things that hinder the most… cut it off!”
August 2009: “Physical training is important… but nowhere near as important as the training and conditioning of a heart.” (First week of college!)
Sept 2009: “What are the importance of ‘dreams,’ and to whom do they belong? ‘Let every little thing that you dream slip away like water through your hands.’”
Sept 2009: “What needs to be forgotten so that I can move forward in pursuit of heaven’s prize?”
Oct 2009: “Understand and acknowledge your limitations, but do not exaggerate them. Although everyone can do nothing, not everyone will choose something. There is a difference between devotion to a cause and devotion to a person.” (-Elisabeth Elliot… i think?) “Did I point to You enough to leave a mark on things?”
Oct 2009: “Through every moment…evolves memory. We make our memories. We define the very root from which our nostalgia will bloom. Choose what you remember because you will remember it all, unless you let it be chosen for you.”
November 2009: “I want to GO. Let me be SENT. SEND ME! SEND ME! Let me know a confidence that proclaims truth in no other way than that to which I have been called. Let me determine a clear focus that will overshadow my impatience. Give me a peace that lets me know that this is all in preparation.” (…ohhhh if I had only known!)
December 2009: “‘Kite Flying reminds me that God uses people who crash. Go fly a kite… WORSHIP!’ This reminds me that I will be pulled from beneath all of the mangled string and deflated kite and still used for something BEAUTIFUL! Even when the wind is out of control… I love Him. Did He die for me? Surely! But why??” (probably inspired by concurrent reading of the Kite Runner. Great book.)
January 2010: “Ugh. Where the heck have I fixed my eyes??” (haha!)
January 2010: “Well. I don’t think that there is ever going to be this “perfect” time for love. There won’t ever be enough money, enough time, enough prayer, enough planning. I guess whatever God drags me into will be what makes it perfect. I’m thinking about marriage a lot. But I know its a long way off.” (oh the irony.)
February 2010: “I think I am finally getting that there is a big difference between where God doesn’t want me and where I don’t want to be? ‘You said ask and I’ll give the nations to you—that’s the cry of my heart!?’”
March 2010: “Letting go of all of my inhibitions. I jumped. …just not too sure where I am going to land?”
March 2010: “All coincidences that make this possible are interventions of Grace. Let my story be Your story because no one else’s will unfold in the same manner.” (Thanks for the inspiration there JH.)
March 2010: “What freedom I now have to wait upon the Lord without distraction. This wont last forever. ‘So I put you at the altar.’ What is to be done with the ashes? Waiting silently and patiently on one of the hardest things of all as I struggle with the concept of patience in general. I’ve never been good at being quiet… much less WAITING quietly. I think I’m in love with someone? But its frustrating to know we have never met. I’m sensing some kind of brokenness soon.” (and who ever would’ve known the adventure that would begin the following weekend?)
March 2010: “The dust of words is so cumbersome!”-Jim Elliot “When the will of God crosses the will of man, someone has to die.” -Elisabeth Elliot “Small gestures can leave giant impressions. This week I am thinking about adoption. Wonder if those thoughts will be confirmed soon? I am also thinking about switching my major. Thinking about special ed? I don’t know. Too many big decisions… not enough motivation.” (I guess all of these thoughts were confirmed!)
April 2010: “I am not good at waiting. I am so loud.” “I give what I have been given. This isn’t always fair.”
May 23 2010: “I don’t understand how its possible to be so angry with someone but want nothing more than to be right next to that same someone…ALL IN THE SAME BREATH? I think this is what it means to love someone as only your brother in Christ.” (yes. I was speaking of John. haha!)
This is fun!
To be continued…
What role do I play in the living, breathing, constant story that God is telling? What is my role? My job? Have I been granted the authority speak so much truth into a broken world that it will continue to prosper even long after I’m gone? Am I thinking in terms of the present… or am I thinking in terms of eternity? It’s easy to take pride in the “beautiful” parts of our individual stories… the parts that tell of hope and romance and success. These are the parts of our stories that we want to claim as our own. What about the mess? What about the part that came before? What about the part so ugly that without it, “hope” wouldn’t even look like hope? These are the parts we neglect… or even worse: we romanticize the ugly parts of our stories to in order to turn them into what we desire for our lives to look like. When we do this, we are completely rejecting the redemptive qualities of our trials. We attempt to limit the reason for which God ordained our existence.
These thoughts rise up on the days when I want to be tired or weary or anxious or defeated …after tripping, fumbling, and switching some baggage from my right hand to my left. It’s exhausting to dwell on such feelings, perhaps because they are temporary and should not define the way that we live our lives.
When God shows us who He is, He gives us the great gift of prayer (the great gift of being able to know Him and understand His desires for His people… and most importantly the great gift of having access to Him.) I could denote endless scripture references about the purpose and powers of prayer, and I could try and describe to you the importance of being in communication with God… but one thing I will always struggle to know is why God allows us to rest in Him through calling on Him in prayer. We don’t deserve to find that kind of peace and rest in Him, but He loves when we do…because He loves us. God wills the desires of our hearts and He wills us to bring those desires to Him (this means even our heart’s GREATEST desires!) And what do we do with this gift? We thank Him for the ‘good’ weather?? We pray about our grades?? We even talk AT God when we “pray” with others because we are more conscious of what our prayers will sound like aloud rather, than being concerned about asking God to use our prayers to work HIS will out on Earth. Instead of loving this gift and being so thankful for the grace that allows us to shamelessly talk with God, we immediately become embarrassed or play “Noses” (that weird game when the loser grabs his nose last) when it’s time to pray over a meal… or to initiate a worship time. We ignorantly and pridefully resist this HUGE gift that is prayer… as if it is meaningless.
I stand in awe of the fact a God who knows and wills my heart’s greatest desire…also knows and wills my greatest heartache. When God breaks us for the people He loves, we get a glimpse into God’s own heart. It’s okay to pray for these things! We are called into it! God wills our existence… He wills our stories… He wills a confusion that’s consuming. He wills a joy that makes us want to explode. He wills a righteous frustration that leaves us with sadness. He wills these things because they draw us (and others) back into His heart.
God equips each of us with a powerful story because that story is His own. We do not create the lives we want, we pursue the ones that God calls us into… however romantic…however unexpected. Let’s start living and praying for what remains after we are long gone (which by the way is not weather or grades…to an extent.) Pray for BIG things because God has equipped us to ask for such! I want to start looking at prayer as the times of my day in which I am the most intimate with God, rather than the times I tell God what I think needs to be said. I want to ask God to teach me about what He has called me into (teaching others to love Him too!) and how than will manifest itself in my job, my marriage, my family…etc. God’s story in our lives prepares us for something great. So let’s step out of Death and into Redemptive Love, which long suffers… but ever perseveres.
So many sweet and encouraging stories shared on this blog. Take some time to explore some of Mandie’s kiddos, hear about who they are, and learn about the new homes she helped them find. So inspiring!
I figure that if I’m not consistent with the blogging deal… at least I can be consistent with my inconsistency? Here’s a few things on the mind these days.
-Words from Ravi Zacharias: “…bonds are broken when even one of the two wills breaks from the will of the Father. When that happens the heart is broken as well, even though there is a path that may seem to provide an easier way out. That is when God takes over. Unless I understand the Cross, I cannot understand why my commitment to what is right myst take precedence over what I prefer. Your relationships, as your conversion, begins at the Cross. Only then does the resurrection follow.”
